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Leaders of the world! My name is Professor Johannes Terreur, but you may know me as… your doom. 25 years ago to this day I acquired from a struggling former Soviet Republic a device known only as the Thermal Armed Nuclear Override Satellite, perhaps better known as ThANOS.
Who are you? Where’s Obama, Putin, Jinping? What do you mean they don’t really sit in the General Assembly? Not even from the little countries? No I don’t mean little like that, I’m sure you’re very important – look, just drop it, let me continue.
Regard the screen. You are now observing the secret Nevada nuclear launch site from a distance of 800 kilometres. This base is over 2,000 kilometres from the nearest town, so I assure you, almost no one will be harmed by my little… demonstration.
Wait, what? Of course the World Bank can do that. It’s a World Bank. What else could it be for? Long term development loans? Well I assure you, those loans will be most necessary if – so it doesn’t even have that kind of money?
Well fine, just pay me straight from the UN’s funds. You don’t have it? You have to be kidding me. We’re sitting in prime real estate. I just saw one “delegate” turn up with three new Mercedes, and he parked illegally! I bet you pay his fine - HE WON'T BE FINED?
No, you don’t need to hold a world summit on it, that’s a fair system. Oh, well I see your point. Well you have 24 hours to hold your summit and then pay – how long? Two years to hold one lousy summit? So the conclusion of such a summit will likely be that the World Bank loans money so the poorest countries can pay anyway? Do you see why people find the UN a little frustrating?
Oh come on, the devastating effects of ThANOS are not just a western invention that doesn’t take into account eastern ideas surrounding the apocalypse.
You guys, at the back – where are you all going? Cocktails?! This is the UN, you can’t get drunk. I don’t care if liquid lunches are de rigueur. “De rigueur,” it’s a Gallicism, I’m still speaking English. Why are your language rules stricter than your participation and non-drinking ones?
Okay okay, settle down. so to make this happen, you will need two years plus one day, a stratified distribution system so richer countries pay more, and you want me to provide assurances that I will supply a green delivery and storage system for the gold and provide fresh water and education development projects on my secret island volcano lair. In addition to this, the payments will probably occur over a period of between five and 50 years, with the option for states to withdraw at any time, and a clause that means I have to pay it all back if I fail to meet my development goals, but I shouldn't worry as you can't really make me pay it back anyway. And I have to stop arbitrarily killing henchmen for failing me “for the last time,” or you might start sanctions against me. Fine, deal.